I wrote The Torment Away From God when I was suffering the harmful effects of religious and emotional abuse. I believed in a God that I had to earn my approval and love from. I thought I had to work to gain his Grace. I thought that I had to make painstaking steps in order to please the Lord. Now I know that God is working in all things, and that I need not worry of what I will do next. I just need to keep walking and stay in prayer for communion with Him and He will guide me.
Regardless of whether you believe or do not. I hope you feel loved and supported by those around you.
Much Love Fam,
The Torment Away From God
I feel as though I am treading an area alone. I feel like I’ve been battered and beaten. I feel tired. It’s like I’ve been through hell but now I walk where it’s raining. I’m cold, exhausted. Even if I meet someone, it’s as though I live in an alternate reality. A Reality where they are awake, but not aware of the true surroundings of what this life can do to you. It’s as if they live in the bliss of oblivion. The importance of God who is more intense and ever more present than we realize. I’ve felt God, the infinite being who created all. I’ve experienced intense pain that has left canyons in my soul that I’m still afraid to explore for fear. Fear of the reality or skeletons that linger in the dark. Despite what feels like irreparable damage to my soul. The presence of the eternal God is what keeps me holding on. I feel a responsibility due to His presence though felt only rarely at times. He made His presence known to me, but questions in my heart ask why? The weight of responsibility I feel on my soul is crushing at times. A wilderness I walk, at times surrounded by others, I feel I walk alone. Others walk oblivious with only the day to day worries. Their lens only seeing what’s in front of them. A part of me wishes if only I could see through the simple lens of day to day worries. But alas, the deep dark canyons of my soul remind me of where I’ve been and the responsibility I owe to God. Lord, Lord! What is my purpose in this wilderness I walk? I speak to others, I speak my heart and feel no understanding. I seek thee at times often with no apparent answer. I sin against thee. Only to come crashing ever harder down with a vice around my heart when I have defied thee. I turn from my sin. My sin at times is so enticing, what my flesh yearns for. The vice grip around my heart tightens as I give in to the tantalizing wage of sin. I turn from it and cry out to God. “Lord, I’m so sorry!” I cry. After all you’ve done, I still sin against thee. Oh if only I may just die. Please, take me into a whirlwind as Elijah up into heaven. I am not holy and have defied you numerous times. I have felt your presence and know your power. How I long to be with thee again! How long must I live in the wilderness? My passion for life is great but the pain I suffer is sometimes greater. I walk to and fro giving the appearance of joy but underneath suffer greatly. The responsibility in my soul that feels unfulfilled. A calling I feel is unmet.
I feel a sense of danger coming from where I’ve been. A deep awareness of life and how deeply it can affect you. I’m out of the woods but the feeling of horror still create tares in my soul.
Others look at me as though I’m crazy. Why can’t you just move on? Others have had it much worse than you have. Just be grateful you didn’t have it worse. I look back at my experiences and have had the mist lifted from the view. I hoped the revelations would bring understanding and peace but has only brought more unsettling realities of the darkness I lived before. What does this mean? I feel an allegiance to the infinite God and also feel so inferior. I sin and stumble as anyone does but the pain and sorrow after my sins are unbearable. The wars of good and evil wage in my soul. And yet I watch the people walk by seemingly unaffected by the same struggles I feel. Where is the urgency? Do they feel it for God? Is this merely the devil here to taunt me in my troubles. What does this all mean? Am I truly the one walking in oblivion of what is normal? Are the brightest lights of the world the most tortured souls?