Dad's Love I Never Knew
There’s love I barely knew
I never quite outgrew
My heart still makes a painful sound
From years when dad was not around
I’m old enough and on my own
But somehow I still feel alone
The pain that comes up from my past
Wells in my eyes, it comes so fast
I feel the danger in the love
I wish I that I could feel
But I’m afraid
My childhood made
A heart of colder steel
My dad would call my *****
And through the telephone
He’d say I’m coming up from Utah
time to visit home
We’d hear the news
And watch for clues
Like kids on Christmas Eve
The joy we had
Can’t wait for dad
He’s such a funny tease
We’d do our work
Our ears would perk
With every engine roar
Driving by
Another lie
We wait a little more
The work is going by so slow
Like cold and hard molasses
I try to work a steady flow
I’m going at my fastest
We finish up the work we had
It’s dark when we turn in
Anticipate, can’t wait for dad
We laugh and give a grin
It’s late we said
It’s time for bed
I bury in my covers
I’ve been right here
Felt this before
Reminds me of the others
The other days
He said he’d come
We waited so excited
We waited up into the night
But dad was never sighted
I felt the drop
My pain it locked
Deep into my soul
Excruciating
All that waiting
To find an empty hole
For months I’d spent
I’d speak and vent
I wish I had my dad
But in the end
The same old trend
It must be cause I’m bad
I sit and cry beneath the covers
It’s just so sad, just like the others
I’m devastated by the news
Delivered by the silent clues
He’s hardly ever here
These actions speak so clear
The pain from actions bring my tears
Damage lasting years and years
It’s once or twice a year
They’re few and far between
My dad will come and work us some
The time when he is here
3 or 4 days usually
He comes to visit us
It tugs my heart
Each day that starts
I know that I can trust
Each day we spend
Will always end
Each visit is the same
He leaves again
I don’t know when
He’ll come back in the frame
2 months shy of three long years
The longest that we had
A phone call on the holidays
Is what we heard from dad
Like wine turned into vinegar
I soured and grew cold
Nothing could administer
The damage to my soul
The family I stayed with
Worked us to the bone
A slave I felt
Their words would pelt
My pain they further hone
They paid us little
No acquittal
Abuse I now can see
Neglect, and layers of their debt
They mounted onto me
A sad existence
Yes it was
But more was yet to come
One day when I would realize
The damage that was done
A long time it has been
Since I suffered so
But now I suffer still
Tossing to and fro
Assess destruction
Each deduction
Triggered I become
When I see love
I know not of
Sometimes I just go numb
I see a girl
She’s wearing pink
Her daddy picks her up
But in my world
My heart it sinks
It just reminds of
The pain that she may never know
Reminders almost every day
What rings so hollow in my soul
I have to look away
I sometimes anger at a stranger
Just from what I see
I feel such danger
almost like I feel it taunting me
It’s so unfair
I feel despair
But not until the night
When all my newfound joy is gone
With all my will to fight
Irrational I know it is
To anger like I do
But deep inside I’m still that kid
Dad’s love I never knew
There’s love I barely knew
I never quite outgrew
My heart still makes a painful sound
From years when dad was not around