This is a poem that reflects the struggle it is to accept abuse. I wrote this back in 2019 and was having the most difficult time placing blame on my abusers. I still believed that I was the problem because I was the common denominator in all the abusive relationships. I didn't want to believe that what they did would hurt me so much. If you or anyone has ever struggled with abuse or mental illness that is tied to trauma. Please get support from places like Celebrate Recovery or find a group of other survivors so you aren't facing this alone.
Much Love Fam,
Amanda Lynn
It’s easier for me
To sit and to believe
The worst exists inside myself
Because of how I grieve
It’s easier to just believe
I’m worthless like they said to me
Than know that life was just unfair
Was innocent, but no one cared
I’ve spent so many years
Believing I was bad
I can’t convey the fear
The trauma that I’ve had
I live life in a prison
Molded in my mind
Scars that remain hidden
Contract never signed
The fences that contain me
A law like gravity
No matter how I try
They keep on haunting me
Cognitions I now know
I’m finding out the truth
The childhood that I had
A twisted love I knew
The time in my neglect
The years built up a debt
It didn’t end when I escaped
The pain of my regret
The fear that haunts my heart
Comes back a poison dart
Triggered by the message
For years tore me apart
A helpless child shrugs
Believing that because
My fault, that I was horrible
A worthless child I was
How terrible I felt
For wanting love myself
For who was I to ask a thing
To simply be a human being
It’s in the natural
To want a life that’s full
But I was made the guilty one
To feed my hungry soul
They said they are the prince
Their actions made me wince
They fed me with a silver spoon
They had me so convinced
I lived as though a pauper
Deprived and poor I felt
They thought I should be grateful
For living in this hell
It’s hard for me to say
That I felt so dismayed
They treated me as guilty
As they shame me in the shade
Who was I to question why
They treated me like this
Express myself was to defy
Their tender loving kiss
I took the twisted love I knew
How did I survive
A coping mechanism grew
An armor deep inside
The armor thick was reinforced
It made me sick, my soul endorsed
Emotions disconnected
Yes the coping took its course
Disconnected I became
From feelings that I felt
Inflicted Punishment it drained
To be honest with myself
With anger it was met
My honesty expressed
They told me that it was a lie
I shouldn’t feel depressed
My fault it was, they made their claim
They gave it to me all the blame
So I believed that I was wrong
I’d never be the same
The bitter sip I taste
Not one drop went to waste
My brain was wired
Now inspired, intertwined and laced
With every card they ever dealt
That filled me up with fear and dread
I now express within myself
Now worse than what they said
I’m worse than I imagine
I cannot slay the dragon
I feel the fire burn inside
Destruction, it is magnified
I’ll gladly take the blame
Destruction from the shame
I’d rather think that I’m defective
Wear the heavy chains
To think my captors fault
For making me this way
Oh what a painful vault
I’d rather let decay
I’d rather take their twisted love
They slipped into my sleeve
Than know the proof
This love a noose
That makes it hard to breathe
It’s easier for me
To sit and to believe
The worst exists inside myself
Because of how I grieve
It’s easier to just believe
I’m worthless like they said to me
Than know that life was just unfair
Was innocent, but no one cared