Dad's Love I Never Knew



Dad's  Love  I  Never  Knew


There’s love I barely knew

I never quite outgrew

My heart still makes a painful sound

From years when dad was not around


I’m old enough and on my own

But somehow I still feel alone

The pain that comes up from my past

Wells in my eyes, it comes so fast


I feel the danger in the love

I wish I that I could feel

But I’m afraid

My childhood made

A heart of colder steel


My dad would call my   *****

And through the telephone

He’d say I’m coming up from Utah

time to visit home


We’d hear the news

And watch for clues

Like kids on Christmas Eve

The joy we had

Can’t wait for dad

He’s such a funny tease


We’d do our work

Our ears would perk

With every engine roar

Driving by

Another lie

We wait a little more


The work is going by so slow

Like cold and hard molasses

I try to work a steady flow

I’m going at my fastest


We finish up the work we had

It’s dark when we turn in

Anticipate, can’t wait for dad

We laugh and give a grin


It’s late we said

It’s time for bed

I bury in my covers

I’ve been right here

Felt this before

Reminds me of the others


The other days

He said he’d come

We waited so excited

We waited up into the night

But dad was never sighted


I felt the drop

My pain it locked

Deep into my soul


All that waiting

To find an empty hole


For months I’d spent

I’d speak and vent

I wish I had my dad

But in the end

The same old trend

It must be cause I’m bad


I sit and cry beneath the covers

It’s just so sad, just like the others

I’m devastated by the news

Delivered by the silent clues


He’s hardly ever here

These actions speak so clear

The pain from actions bring my tears

Damage lasting years and years


It’s once or twice a year

They’re few and far between

My dad will come and work us some

The time when he is here


3 or 4 days usually

He comes to visit us

It tugs my heart

Each day that starts

I know that I can trust


Each day we spend

Will always end

Each visit is the same

He leaves again

I don’t know when

He’ll come back in the frame


2 months shy of three long years

The longest that we had

A phone call on the holidays

Is what we heard from dad


Like wine turned into vinegar

I soured and grew cold

Nothing could administer

The damage to my soul


The family I stayed with

Worked us to the bone

A slave I felt

Their words would pelt

My pain they further hone


They paid us little

No acquittal

Abuse I now can see

Neglect, and layers of their debt

They mounted onto me


A sad existence

Yes it was

But more was yet to come

One day when I would realize 

The damage that was done


A long time it has been

Since I suffered so

But now I suffer still

Tossing to and fro


Assess destruction

Each deduction

Triggered I become

When I see love

I know not of

Sometimes I just go numb


I see a girl

She’s wearing pink

Her daddy picks her up

But in my world

My heart it sinks

It just reminds of


The pain that she may never know

Reminders almost every day

What rings so hollow in my soul

I have to look away


I sometimes anger at a stranger

Just from what I see

I feel such danger

almost like I feel it taunting me


It’s so unfair

I feel despair

But not until the night

When all my newfound joy is gone

With all my will to fight


Irrational I know it is

To anger like I do

But deep inside I’m still that kid

Dad’s love I never knew


There’s love I barely knew

I never quite outgrew

My heart still makes a painful sound

From years when dad was not around

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