I wrote this on June 22, 2024
If I had been there on that day
I wonder how I would have swayed
The day they yelled to crucify
The savior destined there to die
Would I have sold him out that day
Like Judas did on full display
A friend I loved but did betray
To end myself in my dismay
Would I have lied if people pried
And asked if I was closely tied
To Jesus who was being tried
Would it be me who’d have denied
Would I have fled and hung my head
To see the rooster raise his head
To crow again as Jesus said
His words an echo in my head
Would I have been a Pharisee
Too proud to look or even see
Condemning whilst hypocrisy
Is running deep inside of me
To punish all who don’t agree
And force them all to be like me
To act as perfect on my spree
Of self indulgent rivalry
Would I have yelled just like the mob
This couldn’t be the son of God!
Condemning righteousness as flawed
Would I have sought to have him flogged
Upon one hand I feel as though
There’s no way I would reap or sow
Such evil that could stoop so low
To send the savior down below
The crown of thorns upon his head
After being whipped and as he bled
He carried like a heavy led
The cross, my sins to pay my debt
I want to break this rhyme and just be real
That when I hold the bread and cup
I hear the sound of the whip. I see the site of the blood. I feel a sorrow at the absolute torture Jesus endured.
I see myself trying to push through the crowd. My family holds my arms as I struggle back and forth trying to break free to no avail, I collapse to my knees in defeat. Begging please, Jesus, don’t do it. Please.
It’s not worth it. I’m not worth it. I know you have to go because the father has called you. I just wish there was another way.
I feel like a child pleading with a small voice begging their parent not to die. Please, just stay a little longer. I need you. Please don’t go. Knowing the fate and weight of that which He must do. Feeling so unworthy of that which he is about to suffer.
Someone once said that even if Jesus hadn’t been able to save anyone but me. That He still would have gone through with it all. If I was the only face that he saw on that cross. If I was the only reason he was doing it, he would have.
I’ve struggled with feeling unworthy my whole life. I’ve struggled with feeling I’m one mistake away from being lost forever. Or that someday, someday I will be left and cast out because of my failures. Because I’m defective. There’s something wrong with me because I was abused. And someone already left. I guess you could call it carrying the orphan spirit. They not only left but they took a piece of me with them. Something that I haven’t been able to get back. Even at 5 years old I remember crying telling my mom I wanted to go home. Of course she said, you are home. But even then I think I knew there was more than what was here.
At times it’s hard to sort through what feels like being torn in two by the dark and the light. Or being tossed between the waves of grace, failure, suffering and clarity.
When all is said and done. I remember, I remember what Jesus has done. I weep, and give gratitude for how he has saved my soul, and my life. I didn’t earn it, and I know…I know that I don’t deserve it. But I know that he loves me with a Love that is uncompromising, incomprehensible. That when the power and the glory is spoken, that’s what its about. His overwhelming, all consuming love. And when I cross over to the other side, all the holes, all the brokenness, the suffering, all of that will be filled with His all consuming love. I will no longer feel like an orphan looking for a home.
I know that every sin committed, that of the Pharisees, Peter, Judas, the mob. I’m no better than any of those sinners. I’m just as capable as they were to commit sin because I still fight my flesh daily. But that’s why Jesus died so that I can know that the debt is paid in full. That I can repent and turn back to Him. It’s about what he did and not what I have done.
If I had been there on that day
I wonder how I would have swayed
I sit in hope in Him I pray
I’d have known him like I do today
No longer looking for a home
I have one that I call my own
In Heaven near my Father’s Throne
Where I will never be alone